The Devil's fucking with my mind!
Laptop's gone dead. I'm using Miyu's comp. This piece of shit sucks ass! Not to mention the connection's a piece of shit. Who the hell uses AOL Dial-up???Maybe I'll just buy her a new computer and put this one out of its misery. Or get rid of it to rid myself of the misery it's giving me. LOL!!!! Weren't we supposed to unhook this beast and blow up in the yard some time ago, Miyusan?

I can't believe this State! It's always a culture shock visiting this place. I'm used to real fucking beer and good whiskey. The land here is cheap. I'm seriously considering settling down here with my family. Maybe my Nana can move in with me so she doesn't have to be so alone all the time. Speaking of being alone, I'm afraid of being alone.

We all have our grand illusions of what a relationship ought to be or what we want it to be. Miyu and I agree and disagree on certain things. We butt heads on others. She's right though, but don't tell her I said so. :P

Things were quiet this morning. We ate breakfast like zombies but then suddenly it was like a fire was lit under her and she suddenly said, "What the hell do people argue about anyway? When it really comes down to it, what is it, huh? It's Love, lust, insecurity, frustration, fear and money." Then she cocked her head to the side and grinned at me. I hate that look! At the same time I hate it, I can't help but wonder how she does that. It makes me think, "Oh shit! I'm busted. What does she know and how much of it does she know?" I don't hide secrets from her. There isn't a need to. But apparently, she feels a need to guard things.

I'm getting off track here. That big grin of hers, she was mocking me I think. Either that or she was really enjoying my company this morning. It's a cloudiness of being half asleep I guess. Sipping her tea she said, "Being alone isn't all that bad. But I think I understand where you're coming from. You haven't gotten laid in months, right? But it's not the getting laid part that you miss, it's not the high maintenance relationship you've had to put up with, with Janet that you miss. It's being alone, no? I know. It's surprising how quickly you can get tired of laughing on your own, reading on your own, listening and dancing to music on your own, eating on your own... But at night, when it's all cold and dark, sleeping on your own is worst of all. I know because I feel it too. Sheesh Anton! You might as well be lying in your coffin, with nothing to do but grin into the darkness, play with your cock, and wait for Death."

I hate to admit it but I think the Devil hit the nail right on the head with that one.