An Open Letter To Draven.
This is devilmiyu posting in Draven's lj.


Hello Draven,

It's me again, Anna. I need to do this because it is the only way I know that'd help me move on with my life. I know that you cannot read this and I know that you can no longer hear the words I say...

Two decades and some odd years ago, you came into my life. It's one of the earliest, happiest memories of my childhood. You and I both know that I don't have much of that but what I do have, I cherish deeply.

You were this funky kid who loved making me laugh. You loved to show off and I was always your captivated audience. I still keep that picture and still remember that day your Nana brought you over to the house to play with me and so that my grammie could watch and babysit you while your Nana went off to work. I remember a lot of things. I remember your mom and you being so spoiled rotten. I envied you. I remember your fixation with Tonka trucks and little Matchbox cars. I remember how you used to love wearing that Batman costume and how we used to use laundry baskets as our "car".

We had a lot of fun back then, didn't we? Our dreams were simple back then, our demands, our wants and needs.... a sleeve or two of fig newton and perhaps a handful of Oreo cookies before our afternoon nap.... ah yes, naps. We used to hate having to take naps in the middle of the afternoon. Things were so much simpler then.

Things changed. We grew up but there's always a few things that remained the same. And throughout these years, you remained constantly by my side...

You always said that you'd always be by my side, Draven. You said you'd always look after me, protect me.... you said that we should always stick together. But where are you now? Where is my knight-in-not-so-shiny-armour now?

I've watched you battle your own demons back then and you've watched me wage war with mine. But despite all that, we pulled through. We always do. I watched you mourn for the loss of your mother. We consoled each other over the loss of our friend, Michael. The two of us were inseparable... where are you now, Draven?

Who's going to rag on me when I mess up now? Who's going to tell me that even though things suck we still have to step up to the plate and do what is right, give it our best shot and don't take shit from anyone, hm? Who's going to do that now?

I miss you so very much.

Your truck still needs fixing, the pieces are still all over the garage floor. You still need to help me put in a new EGR transducer valve in my car...

You were always fixing things or taking things apart. You were the one who taught me how to change the oil in my car, how to fix a flat and where to hit guys where it'd hurt the most if they happen to take advantage of me.

You always stuck up for me and sometimes I hated the fact that you were quite over-protective of me. Protect me from what? Guys like you? Not all guys are jerks or assholes. You've proven that time and time again.

I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have, I keep them close to my heart and I love them dearly. But no one can replace you. No one even comes close when it comes to being as good as a friend as you are to me.

You've become a huge part of me that calling you "friend" just doesn't seem to fit. You are my brother and always will be.... you are family. But now it feels like I've been orphaned by you. There's this confusion, this sense of uncertainly, this dull ache deep inside that wouldn't go away...

People ask me how did this happen, why did this happen and when and why. Does it matter now that you are gone? What am I supposed to say, Draven? What am I supposed to do? No amount of words can console me. I rather have you here, yelling at me, arguing with me, telling me how much you hate me and despise me...... than this.

We went to our favourite diner today, Dray.... as usual I couldn't finish my food. I didn't feel like eating and everything tasted bland. You weren't there for our usual "food trade". No one's going to ask me, "Hey are you going to eat that?" No one's going to say, "Trade you this piece of french toast for that pancake."

It feels empty here, Draven. I'm so lost without you.

You were never a nobody. You were always someone I looked up to. People adored you and some envied you. To others, you were arrogant and egotistic. You came off like an asshole because you didn't care what people think. You were stubborn.... but all that.... it's still who you are--were.

Draven, why?

I know it's selfish of me to want you back. It's selfish of me to not be willing to let things go and allow myself to mourn for you. I still refuse to. Mourning would mean that you're gone. You're not gone because you'll always be in my heart. My home is your home still, Draven. I will not let go of your memories because it's the only thing I have left that's also a part of you. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I can still hear your laughter. I can still see us building sandcastles by the shore. I can still hear you laughing as you call out "Race you to the beach!"

Who's going to call me a wuss when I say that I give up? Who's going to tease me about the time I cried when we first watched Beauty and the Beast? The game pieces are still untouched and still on the nightstand by your bed, Draven. I still haven't moved and your king is still in check....

But instead of saying, "Please come back, Draven." I'll have to content myself in saying.... "Please stay close by." The only thing I regret is not telling you how much you mean to me and how much I love you when I had the chance. And now I realise that with each loved one that passes away, I realise that I always seem to put off things that opportunity probably wouldn't present itself again.

We both took things for granted, Draven. We both thought there'd always be time to fix things, patch things up, mend and hope for the better. There's always a next time around. Not this time, Anton....

I found this picture of me and you today when I was sorting things out. It's my earliest memory of you.... it is how I will remember you by and it is how I will always hold on to you.

I love you, Draven.
No good-byes..... just "see you later."

Your little "sissy",
~anna